Why Did The Haggis Cross the Road? - Extracts

Why did the haggis cross the road . . .
In Glasgow . . . to escape the gangs of razor flashing neds.
In Edinburgh . . . to avoid yet another group of moronic Japanese tourists.
In Inverness . . . to avoid being gobbled up by Nessie.
In Dunfermline . . . because there’s bugger-all else to do.
In Selkirk . . . to avoid Grace with the knife.
In Aberdeen . . . to avoid being shagged by a randy farmer.
In Perth . . . to catch a bus to . . . well ANYWHERE!!!
In Faslane . . . to go on yet another futile protest against Trident.
In Springburn . . . to avoid getting eaten by a hoody at the chippy.
In Larkhall . . . to try to find a street without an Orange Lodge.
In Alloway . . . to avoid being the subject of yet another one of Burns’ moronic poems.
In Fort William . . . to get out of the constant bloody rain.
In Bearsden . . . to steer clear of the junkies from Drumchapel.
In Easterhouse . . . to view the posh flats with keypad entry, designed to keep residents in!
In Campbeltown . . . to escape the noise of 1000 pipers (actually he had to cross sixty roads).
In Berwick-upon-Tweed. . . to escape into Scotland.
On Iona . . . Road? What road?