Why Did The Haggis Cross the Road?

Scotland is an amazing, unique country with so much to celebrate: spectacular islands, mountains, glens and lochs; a wonderful culture of music, poetry and dance; a proud, though sometimes tragic history; a national football squad that can hold its own against some of the best Girl Guide teams in the world…Then there’s haggis, the Loch Ness Monster, the kilt, whisky, Irn-Bru, heather, thistles, bagpipes and so on…

But there’s one thing the Scots as a nation do particularly well: they take the piss out of all of this! Yes – when the Scots tell a joke it’s usually at their own expense. So this collection of gems pokes fun at just about everyone and everything from kilts and haggis through footie and thriftiness to Sassenachs, Teeries, and Glaswegians. Some of the jokes are old favourites retold, some are brand new, and some are a few specimens found on that internet thingy which have been massaged to make them almost funny.

Football Jokes

Why have Stirling never won the Scottish Cup?
Because every time they get a corner, they put a fish and chip shop on it.

Not all managers are as bright as one might hope. Apparently the boss of one Premier Division team, on seeing the headlines, ‘Van Gough up for sale at £10,000,000’ rushed across to Paris in an attempt to sign him up.

I much prefer fantasy football to the real thing. My winning team is Angelina Jolie, Kelly Brook, Jessica Alba, Keira Knightly . . .

You know you’re supporting Scotland’s worst team if :
They play in 0-0-10 formation.
The digital scoreboard has three digits for opponent goals.
You consider a 5-1 defeat a moral victory.
The referee apologises for every decision against your team.
The team pray before kickoff.
At half time the team receive stress therapy.
There’s an uproar of delight if they gain a corner kick.
The club’s lucky mascot keeps having freak accidents.
Opposition players get sent off for laughing.
There are fewer supporters than players.
They are sponsored by the local Brownies.
The groundsman earns more than any of the players.

The Absolute Worst Scottish Jokes Ever

Three Orkney fishermen walk into a bar – you’d think at least one of them would have seen it!

What sits at the bottom of your bed and takes the piss out of you?
A kidney dialysis machine.

Then there was the Dundonian who went to buy some camouflage trousers – but he
couldn’t find any.

Did you hear about the woman from Skye who drowned in a bowl of porridge? Serves her right for swimming in it.

Two blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round”. The other says “So are you, ya wee fat bastard”.

Tartan & Kilt Jokes

A Japanese businessman goes into a kilt-makers to enquire about having kilts made for his entire family. Realising that there’s a massive profit to be made the kilt-maker is keen to get the sale.

“The only problem,” says the business man, “is that I don’t expect we belong to any Scottish Clan.”

“Actually you do,” says the kilt-maker without hesitation, “Tokushimanachahati is part of the MacGullible Clan – we have plenty of tartan in stock.”

For his eighteenth birthday a rich aunt gives Paul a bale of tartan and money to have a kilt made. He goes to a kilt maker and gets measured up. As he’s a bit shy he asks the kilt maker to make some matching undies. Two weeks later Paul goes back to the shop.

“Your kilt and underwear are ready,” says the kilt maker. “and there was five yards of material left over.”

“That’s grand,” replies Paul, “Maybe I could get my girlfriend a matching kilt.”

Paul rushed home. Excitedly he pulls on the kilt. He loves it so much he immediately dashes round to show his girlfriend. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answers the door, Paul does a twirl and said, “Well, what do you think?”
“Wow,” she exclaims.

“But here’s the biggest surprise,” he screeches, yanking up the kilt, “have you ever seen anything like that?”

“Oh, my God,” says his girlfriend, “that’s amazing.”

“Well I’ve got five more yards at home,” says Paul eagerly. “I’d be happy to let you have it anytime”

Haggis Jokes

Haggis: The icon of the Scottish Nation; lungs, heart and liver of sheep with a large dash of blood -stuffed into the poor creatures stomach! No wonder we’re always so bloody miserable.

Tam goes into his local fish and chip shop.
“Two haggis suppers Toni,” he calls across the counter.
“Wow, your really pushing the boat out tonight,” says Toni. “Did you win the lottery?”
“Naw,” says Tam, “But I did win third prize in a Sunny Govan Radio contest – here’s the voucher for my grub.”
“Well done mate,” says Toni. “So what were the other prizes?”
“Second prize was a single haggis supper,” says Tam.
“And first prize?” enquires Toni.
“Jist the chips,” says Tam.

A haggis goes into a pub and orders up a bottle of the best whisky.
“You’re looking awfy smug wae yerself,” says the barman.
“Aye,” says the haggis, “Ah’ve jist been sewing ma wild oats.”

Auto loans hit a low record last year in Singapore

The latest credit information data shows that in Singapore, car loans have dropped significantly last year in Singapore. Total new auto loans provided by financial institutions are only 36,000 pens in 2013. Many people use an auto loan calculator with tax to calculate it.

Reduced nearly half compared with the previous year, hit a record low since 2003. Average loans also fell 22 percent year on year at the same time, only 70,400 Singapore dollars.

To encourage citizens avoid excessive borrowing, Monetary Authority of Singapore Government tightened on auto financial loan conditions in February 2013, provisions of the landed price of less than 20,000 Singapore dollars (about 96,000 yuan) for imported cars, Buyers can only loans to financial institutions 60% of the original purchase price; The landed price of imported cars more than S $ 20,000, the maximum loan capped at 50% of the original price of the car.

Car loan repayment period has been shortened from 10 years to 5 years at the same time, Singapore government has also imposed higher S car surcharge on the car buyers whose purchase price is more than S $ 20,000.

Nevertheless, Singapore local car sales were not affected, Not only the market is still hot but also the car ownership certificate prices are always high. Local analysts believe that MAS avoided some excessive borrowing indeed, but the actual effect is not obvious.

Because the market demand is very strong, although the prices have become increasingly expensive, With the improvement of living standards, most car buyers buy a car without borrowing from banks, they have plenty of money to buy a car. So the Singapore Government will face significant policy adjustment pressures.